FLCL - Episode 5

Fuck. Two more to go. I can do it. I can do it. I CAN DO IT! WOOOOOOOO! LET'S ANIME IT UP DUDES!

What Happened
Vespa Lady and Takkun are lurking in a wheat field with uzis for some reason. She starts screaming causing them to get shot. Meanwhile back at Takkun's house Takkun and Takkun's granddad are watching a John Woo movie. I can tell it's a John Woo movie because one of the characters in the movie is like, "Why are there all these pigeons flying around?"

Takkun's dad shows up and starts talking about fucking Vespa Lady or something and Takkun gets pissed off and goes up to his room, but Vespa Lady's there in some kind of lingerie that her ass is hanging out of talking to Takkun's cat about how she doesn't have feelings for Takkun she's just concerned because he still has a portal open in his head or something and that's the only reason she's delayed finishing her mission.

Takkun's like, "Fuck! Put some goddamn clothes on!" So she dresses up like fat Vegas Elvis and has a massive pompadour hairdo. She starts yelling and guitar lessons and screaming random 90s band names and then ends with Richard Cheese for some reason (he was a dude that did ironic lounge style covers of 90s alterna-rock).

Takkun tries to ask her who she likes but she's all hanging all over him telling him how adult he was to hit a bomb with an electric guitar. Takkun grows a horn out of the back of his head in a clear metaphor for getting a boner. The horn grows so large that it causes his head to rise up off his bed and meet Vespa Lady's and it looks like they're kissing.

Takkun's dad shows up and calls his son a pervert and then challenges Takkun to a duel for Vespa Lady. Vespa Lady is pro this idea and the Takkun's dad takes off his clothes to fuck her or something and a spring loaded boxing glove shoots out of her vagina and kills him...because ANIME!

Because ANIME!!!

This brings us back to the wheat field from earlier which means the bulk of the shit I just saw was probably a flashback. Anyway Takkun's dad is dressed as a Nazi...because ANIME! and he and Conti are versing Takkun and Vespa Lady in a gun fight. It becomes apparent after awhile that these are pellet guns that they're using. It's dumb.

Meanwhile up on a bridge the blonde lady from the space command center is watching them and talking to Eyebrow Guy on the phone about what's happening. Eyebrow guy is at a hair salon or something and for some reason is animated like South Park and then animated like some other kind of anime. It's zany for zaniness' sake and annoying as fuck.

Back in the field a gun fight happens while the blonde lady watches. She has a giant gun and is going to murder someone or something. She says that she thinks Takkun and company are playing some kind of game and declares, "It looks really stupid!" I agree with her. This entire fucking show looks really stupid.

Conti's going to put Takkun on blast when Takkun gets run over by a truck. Takkun's friends from school are behind the wheel. Apparently they have a job delivering stuff (booze if the random Chinese characters on the side of the truck are to be believed). Takkun looks like a goof compared to these super mature booze delivering 12 year olds, but they think he's hella cool for socking a dinger into orbit and saving Town from getting blowed up.

Some girl riding in the back of the truck eats a Popsicle in an inappropriate fashion. She gets given a water pistol and stares through it at Mamimi up on a bridge and the blonde lady with a giant gun and stuff for some reason.

Later (I guess) Takkun and Mamimi have a conversation by the river. Takkun's all like, "I'm pretty much a grown man now doing grown man things..." and Mamimi's like it's because of Vespa Lady isn't it? You've changed because of her. What's she mean to you?"

Takkun briefly looks like Kenny from South Park and is like, "Nothing, she's just some weird chick who lives at my house that I sometimes do weird shit with...not weird shit like that, just you know, run of the mill anime weird shit. Here! Let me show you something!"

While this is happening Vespa Lady goes to the hair salon and has a fight with the Eyebrow Guy. I guess they knew one another in the past. Eyebrow Guy's like, "I'm an adult! I can hire hired guns!" and hired guns appear but Vespa Lady dispatches them with ease because her bass kills fascists or something. It's dumb and over the top.

This machine kills fascists... 

Back with youngsters in love, Takkun drags Mamimi by the wrist down a street. She yells at him to stop and tells him it hurts and it's super uncomfortable. Eventually he stops and is like "TADA!" and they're standing in front of a cafe. She doesn't want to be there though and is like, "Don't you like the Vespa Lady?" and Takkun's like, "Nope. I'm totally into you girl who used to molest me several episodes ago." He then attempts to force himself on her and kiss her. She protests and the horn shoots out of the back of his head between her legs...because ANIME!

Prelude to a sex crime...

Back with Vespa Lady and Eyebrow Guy, Eyebrow guys eyebrows are gone and he's like, "Oh no! My eyebrows..." Vespa Lady then does a Sailor Moon transformation and pulls some deal out of Eyebrow Guy's forehead. She mocks him for how tiny it is and how much manlier Takkun is before heading off to do battle. As she leaves Eyebrow guy is like, "WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME?!"

Meanwhile on top of a giant robot Mamimi calls out Takkun's brother's name which pisses Takkun off. He yells at her and tells her not to call him Takkun anymore because apparently that's not actually his name. I don't know. Whatever.

A fight with a giant robot happens. Vespa Lady is dressed up like a Playboy Bunny for some reason. Conti the robot and Vespa Lady double team the giant hand gun robot and win. Conti pulls a Gibson SG guitar out of his face to beat the final boss. It's stupid. I'm done. This broke me. It's so loud and stupid and utterly asinine. The giant hand gun robot gets petrified next to the Giant Iron Factory and that's that.

FIGHT IT OUT!!!

In the end it's revealed that Conti the Bomber Jacket Wearing Robot kicked Takkun out halfway through the final battle. I guess Conti's a space pirate or something now. I don't even know. Vespa Lady stands on Takkun's face to stare at the space pirate robot with heart eyes and the show ends. Thank you. Fuck you. Bye.

Thoughts
I don't know. I really don't know. I have no idea. What is this? A bunch of shit happens. All of it is stupid. There are random scenes that look like South Park. There are random scenes that look like some other sort of cartoon. If I knew shit about anime I could probably tell you what those scenes looked like, but since none of them looked like Robotech I can't.

The plot bashed you over the head with a mallet and screamed, "THIS IS ABOUT GROWING UP!" Takkun started getting boners and didn't want to play guns with his dad anymore and started feeling pride in the fact that his friends looked up to him for doing something so cool as hitting a bomb into orbit with a guitar. The entire thing might have had a flashing neon sign blinking "COMING OF AGE STORY HERE!"

The next episode is the last one and then I can check out for good. This show has been fucking garbage and I am angry for spending time looking at it. If this is what anime is I'm glad I wrote it off as stupid and pointless years and years ago and never wasted more time looking at it. Fuck FLCL. Fuck whoever made this shit. Fuck anime in general. I hate you all.

Giant Robots: Yup.
Lesbian Subtext: Nope.
Boobs: Sideboob. Also panties.
Body Horror: Yup.
Magical Teen Girls: Yup, though I don't think she's a teenager.