FLCL - Episode 4

Big Baby Jesus, why am I still still doing this? FLCL is a bad show for assholes who like horrible things and yet here I am like a total chump watching it. I still have no goddamn clue why anything that happens on this show happens, but I've kind of come to except this. A bunch of random shit's going to happen and then in the last three minutes a robot will come out of someone's head, get battled, get bested, and then the main character dude will do voice over "deep thoughts," about some lesson learned and indie rock will play. LET'S ANIME IT UP DUDES!

What Happened
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME BASEBALL?! Vespa Lady has fangs like a Dracula and is playing baseball on a team of gay stereotypes against the Martians, a baseball team coached by Takkun's Granddad. The Martians players complain that since Takkun's brother left for America to hump white ladies and play in the minor league their team has sucked, mostly because Takkun's a piss poor baseballer. We see Takkun get struck out a bunch of times and also get blasted in the face with a baseball. HE GOT ON BASE GUYS SO STOP COMPLAINING!

The Martians get shutout because of Vespa Lady's baseballing prowess and the Gay Stereotypes then pay Vespa Lady for her services. Meanwhile Conti's picking up baseballs and Takkun's granddad is like, "Oh shit this robot can throw a baseball pretty well and is also good in the field. We should get him on our team!"

Takkun's all like, "Fuck this shit," and heads off. Vespa Lady mocks the bandage he has around his head and the tells him that in baseball...and perhaps in life as well, "Nothing can happen until you swing the bat!"

Back at home Takkun discovers his dad giving Vespa Lady some kind of fuck massage with his face. Takkun's like, "Yo, that's fucking nasty! You're all sweaty and shit. Also why were you playing for that other team?" and Vespa Lady's like, "To earn some extra cash to help pay the electric bill. Takkun's dad then eats out Vespa Lady's pussy. Then it's time for dinner. Dad and Vespa Lady do that Lady & a Tramp spaghetti thing with a fried egg which might be the least sexy thing I've ever seen in my life.

Takkun is utterly disgusted and storms out to bash his house with a baseball bat. Some dude with severe eyebrows shows up on a Vespa and tells Takkun not to beat up his house with a baseball bat. "Use a baguette instead!" the Eyebrow guy offers before going into the bakery and being all like, "Super spicy? You didn't have this before!" Vespa Lady and Takkun's Dad are audibly fucking in the other room while this is going on.

Takkun's all like, "THOSE EYEBROWS!" about Eyebrow guy as if he recognizes him or at least his eyebrows.

Eyebrow Guy is like "She's bad news and you'll see why soon enough." I'm assuming he's talking about Vespa Lady but who the fuck knows with this fucking show. Eyebrow Guy takes his purchase and rolls out on his Vespa and Takkun comes to the conclusion that, "Adults are stupid." I, meanwhile, have come to the conclusion that this show is stupid.

Takkun goes to the river to get molested by Mamami. "You want me to leave my mark again?" she asks.

Back at Takkun's house Vespa Lady teaches Takkun how to sock a few dingers via heart arcs to heaven. There's a blinking star. It's a space ship or something. I don't know. Some blonde lady in a military outfit yells some stuff about quadrants and vectors and shit.

Eyebrow Guy is there dissecting the bread he bought from Takkun. Eyebrow Guy's eyebrows look like dried seaweed. He apparently doesn't like spicy stuff and asks the blonde lady to throw it away. The blonde lady is like, "EYEBROWS!"

Back at Takkun's house Takkun wakes up. Vespa Lady's not in the top bunk. He walks down the hall and looks in his dad's room and sees them fucking or something because his head explodes. Back on the space ship Eyebrow Guy's like, "HOT DIGGITY DAMN! THAT'S THE BEACON WE'RE LOOKING FOR!"

The next day comes and it's time for more baseball. Conti's playing on Takkun's Granddad's team now. Takkun, however, is down by the river getting molested by a high school girl. Vespa Lady shows up and is like, "Are you doing that perverted stuff again?"

Takkun's furious in only the way a 12 year old who saw his dad fucking a random lady that's not his mom can be and is like, "You're the pervert!"

Vespa Lady's all like, "The game's already started. C'mon," but Takkun's like "I DON'T DO BASEBALL!" Mamami's like, "Right, Takkun's not the type to swing a bat," but then Vespa Lady tells her that it's Conti's first game and Mamami leaps up so fast that she jumps clean out of her panties...because ANIME! and she and Vespa Lady vespa off to the baseball game. Takkun's like, "Whateves..." and heads back home.

Takkun goes back home and sees his dad sitting in the shadows. Dad's all like, "I couldn't get it up but Vespa Lady fixed me. I told her not to leave any marks because I didn't want to make you upset." Dad talks all glitchy and walks poorly and Vespa Lady's face comes out of his mouth and Takkun gets pissed off and smashes a TV with his bat. This causes his dad to somehow die. Takkun has a look like "Oh fuck I done goofed."

Meanwhile at baseball Vespa Lady's pitching a no hitter or some shit when air raid sirens start blaring and a blimp flies over head screaming that the city has to be evacuated.

Very Emergency

Meanwhile at the police station or some shit Eyebrow Guy is interrogating Takkun about murdering his dad. Takkun's like, "I just hit the TV I don't even know what happened." Eyebrow Guy's like, "Yeah right, you were jealous your dad was giving the high hard one to Vespa Lady and murdered him because you were jealous." Takkun's like "Yo, fuck that I hate Vespa Lady."

Eyebrow Guy, who I guess is a cop or something, is like, "Yo you just called her by her first name and this is Japan where that's a big deal since she's older than you and you should be using some random honorific instead." Eyebrow Guy then is like, "Nah I believe you kid, just be careful, Vespa Lady's using you."

Takkun goes back home and notices wires and shit coming out of his dad's body. He then finds his real dad stuffed in a dresser or something. It's all gross with beetles and a cat's nutsack swinging and WOLF EYES and a skeleton dad and weird shitty animation and it's horrible and I hate it so much.

Takkun revives his dad in the bath and his dad's like, "She asked to use my head and I agreed but it didn't work or something and I was dead for awhile."

Takkun then has a flashback to the previous scene of being interrogate during which the Eyebrow Guy does a plot dump and is like, "You have an N-O Channel in your head. It uses your left and right brain to make a portal that traverses time and space or something. Who the fuck knows? Anyway that's why there's robots coming out of your head, oh also that dad you thought you killed was just a robot or something...like a vending machine. Oh also there's a bomb that's about to hit the city, so can you ask Vespa Lady to hit one more homer and save the day? Also something about a space pirate...I don't know mang."

Takkun's like "GOTDAMN THAT'S A SHITFUCKING TON OF PLOT YOU JUST DUMPED ON ME IN THE FINAL HOUR!"

Back at Takkun's house in present time, Vespa Lady shows up on her Vespa, destroying walls and the dad-bot in the process. Takkun asks what the fuck is going on but she doesn't really answer, giving some bullshit answer that Takkun is like, "Yo that's dumb as shit...did you get that shit from some anime?" Takkun's then like, "A 'hometown fan' asked you to sock one last dinger," but Vespa Lady's like, "Meh. Double headers are tiring. I'm going to need to be paid handsomely."

Back in the space command center or wherever Eyebrow Guy and Blonde Lady are Eyebrow Guy plot dumps about the bomb that's randomly heading toward the city. It was some sort of contingency plan in case shit went sideways or something. He talks about how Vespa Lady planned this entire thing and was using Takkun to infiltrate, "the foreign embassy(?), the Interstellar Immigration unit(?), and Medical Mechanica(?)," and isn't afraid of sacrificing an entire city to get what she wants. I have no idea what any of this means. I don't think it even fucking matters.

TO THE FINAL BATTLE!

Vespa Lady and Takkun vespa to some final battle area. Takkun's head is blinking. Vespa Lady reaches into his head and after some more innuendo filled dialogue pulls a Flying V guitar out of his head. She gives it to Takkun as the bomb heads towards Town. The bomb turns into a baseball mitt and throws a giant baseball bomb towards Takkun.

People in the space command center have bloody noses for some reason and Vespa Lady vespas away in case Takkun decides not to swing his Flying V guitar like a bat at a giant bomb and everyone dies.

Mamami is on a radio tower or something with Conti having an orgasm because she's dumb as fuck and thinks the bomb that's coming is some other "god."

Takkun swings his guitar and hits the bomb but he's a 12 year old boy and is not proficient at baseball. The bomb starts to glow like it's going to explode but Vespa Lady shows back up and socks a dinger and sends the bomb into orbit. Over at the radio tower Mamimi's all melancholy and the infinite sadness that Takkun took a swing. Who knows what the fuck is going on there.

Takkun does voiceover shit about how his hands still sting and he wonders if Vespa Lady feels like this all the time as they ride home on her Vespa with him half asleep.

Over in space command center the blonde lady's like "The bomb's in deep space now and shouldn't be a problem." Eyebrow Guy is annoyed that Vespa Lady escaped from him because I guess he was attempting to capture her or something. One of his eyebrows falls off.

Thoughts
Yup. This was a show I watched. 23 minutes of my life. A bunch of random shit happened and none of it made a goddamn lick of sense. Even the stuff that was supposed to answer long standing questions was just fucking utter nonsense. I hate this show so much and hope that everyone involved in making it dies penniless and alone, unloved by a single soul. Two more fucking episodes and then I'm free.

Giant Robots: Yup.
Lesbian Subtext: Nope.
Boobs: Nope, but the dad basically performs cunnilingus through a pair of shorts.
Body Horror: Yup.
Magical Teen Girls: Maybe?